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5 reasons why love and sex sometimes don’t go together

  1. Love does not require sex

When trying to maintain a healthy and happy relationship, it is easy to start feeling pressured to balance yours and your partner’s needs. The concept of love to modern couples seems to comprise of many components; respect, romance, friendship, attentiveness etc. etc. Sex is just another one of these components, and sometimes it is not a priority at different stages of a relationship. For parents, the children’s happiness will come first, and that can mean sacrificing sex to stop tantrums and read bedtime stories. In times of tragedy or emergency, from money problems to bereavement, you might want comfort from your partner in more platonic forms. [That loving feeling has gone - now what]

  1. Sex does not require love

Looking at the other perspective, love might not be a requirement for you to have good, satisfying sex. In an age where women are more confident in expressing their lack of desire for sex when with a long-time partner, sex for the fun of it has become understandable and much more accepted. Relationships are hard work, and many women simply do not have time for such a commitment, but why should the primal urge for sex be stymied? Sex is a fantastic remedy for stress due to the hormones it releases, so do not be ashamed if you pursue intercourse for debatably more selfish reasons.

  1. Sex and sexuality

2016 is a time of sexual liberation. Whereas before women were shamed for showing their ankles in public, we now debate whether it is fair to shame a woman for wearing hot pants. Fluidity in sexuality, from homosexuality to polygamy, continues to gain more social acceptance. Sex is used to sell and buy, to have fun and to express your personality. As a population, particularly in Europe and the Americas, we have never been more adventurous. Being in love is no longer the only prerequisite for sex, we also want to find out more about ourselves, such as what we are attracted to and what makes us feel good. Wanting to capitalise on this societal freedom is no bad thing.

  1. Love gives equality to sex

Now that sex for some people has become more of a selfish act – not necessarily during the act, but for what it provides to you – the concept of love does not come into the equation. In certain case studies, sex is often portrayed to be a battle for power, in what people use it for and how it is done, from the less than legal to the perfectly innocent. Freudian theories relate sex to needing to resolve a situation, such as the Oedipal notion of a woman or a man wanting to ease genital anxiety. Love is often seen as a thing of equality, where both partners give and take, but sex sometime requires a partner to accept dominance as the other exerts it, from simple oral acts to BDSM and fetishism. The more extreme your desire is to be passive or active during sex, the less compatible your desires or needs might be to love.

  1. Sex and gender

The way different genders are considered in relation to sex is now more frequently challenged, and for good reasons, but nevertheless stereotypes still remain. Freud’s ‘Madonna-whore complex’ illustrates how love becomes possible when the sexual partner holds a respectable reputation, but sex is potentially much better or more likely if the partner is ‘degraded’ somehow. Essentially, the ‘Madonna’ is wanted for love, and the ‘whore’ is wanted for sex( ‘Whore’ concept*) This may be seen as sexist, as men can be judged as similar too, or too much of a dichotomy, since a large sexual appetite does not mean you cannot fall in love, but the point still holds for some people out there. When thought about properly and without judgement, promiscuity is a habit often undertaken for a good reason. In a world where gender relations and ideas on gender become more complicated, perhaps it is best to try and detach yourself from all the arguments and take sex with no strings attached. Being a ‘Madonna’ or a ‘whore’ is not a reflection of who you are, but a role to play in the politics of sex. When in a long-term relationship, like in the first reason, it might benefit you to be ‘Madonna’ more often, but when trying to get as much sex as possible, it might benefit you to be the ‘whore’.


This article was contributed by Pink Moods.

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