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Challenge your Mindset

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The real reason you are missing your past relationship

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Breakups take serious effort to deal with emotionally, but they also have large consequences in other factors of your life.

If you live together, you need to sort out putting your place on the market. If you work together, you may need to move jobs to maintain your professionalism. Who gets to claim who in the friendship group? Who gets the pets?

You’d think after sorting through all that admin that missing your past relationship is not even possible, but it is. Despite the arguments, the complications and the physical stress, it can take a while to not want them back. What is the real reason for missing a relationship that has ended?

Grief
Having such a strong bond with someone makes it difficult to move on from them, because that bond doesn’t go. Anybody who you have experienced intimacy with, trusted thoroughly and loved deeply can’t simply be forgotten. The connection never goes, it just becomes easier to cope with. In a way, a breakup can leave you grieving.

Someone who means so much to you is gone and you go through a painful stage of trying to live without them, so understandably you find it hard to adapt your life in the initial stages. You might be in denial, angry, desperate or depressed, but eventually you will come to accept the past and make peace with it. These are the five stages of grief.

It might help you to recognise these stages and you won’t be left reeling from the relationship for too long, or at least you’ll be less confused by your feelings. It is often that pining for you ex comes at random times and isn’t a constant thought on your mind, and that’s because you use the thought of a relationship as a default comfort when you’re stressed. Once you have found a new default, you will get through the grief quicker.

The real reason you are missing a past relationship is not because you’re grieving for the person, but grieving from lacking what the relationship gave you. You miss the physical comfort and the emotional support. You’re learning to be alone [The benefits of living alone] and miss the company. As social beings, it’s a natural feeling to go through. In this lack we convince ourselves that the relationship wasn’t that bad, that we should have valued our ex more because we miss the perks of the relationship.

Remember that you broke up for a reason[Why it's time to stop obsessing over your ex!] – this is just trickery of the mind. There was bad with the good. Relationships rely on liking the person, and the rest follows. You cannot force yourself to fall back in love with that person. Help yourself by going out with friends, being with family and trying different hobbies and activities to keep socially active.

Missing your past relationship isn’t something to feel guilty of, but bear in mind it is a ‘past’ relationship. The past cannot be returned to and you can’t torture yourself with wanting to change it. It can take a long time to heal from a break up, so give yourself that time. If you still feel lost from a previous relationship visit our Video Moods series for some pick me up tips.

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This article was contributed by Pink Moods.

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